Sometimes Things Don't Go According to Plan

For the past two weeks my track workouts have been halted due to scheduling conflicts with the sports teams at my school. Last week I checked the schedule for the track and field teams and when I saw there wasn't a meet I assumed I was good to go. So I laced up my sneakers and ran the mile and a half from my apartment to campus. When I arrived at the track I found out there was a lacrosse game, meaning I couldn't run. Not sure what to do, I tried to get an answer about when the track is open for use by students. No such luck. I felt so great during my warm up that I decided to run around campus (UMBC's campus is a loop) and then go back to my apartment. I wanted to run fast and so that's what I did.

The loop around campus is half uphill and half downhill with the track at the bottom of the hill. So up I went. It's not the longest climb but it's long enough to make it challenge you mentally and physically. At the top of campus I ran over to a little gated community that also has some hills and then finished running the loop before heading home. The way back from campus to my apartment is also a little hilly. There aren't really hills but it is a very gradual uphill with a nice little climb at the end.

Mile 1: 8:42
Mile 2: 9:04
Mile 3: 9:20 <- hill!
Mile 4: 8:12
Mile 5: 8:21
Mile 5.9: 8:23

I didn't have any time goal for this run since it was supposed to be my track workout. Instead I just ran on feel, not even thinking about running fast or hard. I ran because I wanted to and I enjoyed every minute of it. When I got back to my apartment I was pleasantly surprised to see my pace over such a hilly run, especially since I wasn't intentionally pushing it.

This Wednesday for my track run I knew better. I checked all of the schedules and saw there was a lacrosse game at 4:00 pm. I'll move my workout to Thursday. Problem solved. Except I got out of work much earlier than expected and suddenly had enough time to do my workout before the game. Around 1:30 I headed over to the track, same routine as last week. When I got to the track I was happy to see there was nobody there except for two T&F runners doing some drills.

I did some stretching and started my first repeat, only to be stopped part way through by an athletic director telling me I needed to leave so they could set up for the game. I questioned him and he told me it was too dangerous for me to be there before the game, even though they were only carrying coolers. I started getting upset and asked when I could use the track since every time I tried to I was not allowed. He so kindly informed me that before, during, and after both games and practices the track was closed. Just to clarify, I asked 

"so the track is pretty much closed the entire day every day?"
"yes, you can run around the loop if you want to run"
"that's really not an acceptable answer"

The conversation went on for a bit longer, him telling me that the athletic facilities at Division I schools are only for student-athletes and me protesting and calling bullshit. After realizing I was getting nowhere and not wanting to waste my time arguing with him I left. I debated whether to run back to my apartment and call it quits or get in a hard run anyway.

In the end I decided I wasn't going to let him stop me from getting in some good training. So up the hill on the loop I went. And then came the wind. 20-25 mph winds while running uphill can make a person cranky. I pushed harder and harder but felt like I was going backwards. I tried to convince myself that not giving up on the uphills would make the downhills that much sweeter.

7.75 miles
8:36 average
7:25 last mile (before cool down)

And it did. I finished strong and happy, despite how challenging that was. It was the kind of run that makes you proud of yourself for pushing through even when you don't feel great and the conditions suck. I was hurting during that last mile, but I needed that. I needed to push myself to that place where I'm begging to stop running because it hurts so badly. Runs like these are what makes us stronger, mentally and physically.

Perfection

This past weekend was a big wake up call for me. Not the kind that makes you want to train until your legs fall off because you realize your goal race is 4 weeks away but the kind that makes you realize that you need to make some changes in your life. Big ones.

For pretty much as long as I can remember I have been somewhat of a perfectionist. I set such high standards for myself in everything I do but when I am failing I completely give up. I see things in a very all or nothing lens.

I missed my Monday morning workout so the whole day is a waste. I might as well eat whatever I want. Monday was useless so the whole week is too now. Might as well skip all of my workouts and eat terribly.

Last week started off with a snow day on Monday. I wasn't able to get my swim in because the pool was closed, which wasn't looking to be too much of an issue. I would just move the swim to Tuesday. But then I found out that the pool was going to be closed over the weekend because of Easter. When would I do Friday's swim? Thursday night when I get home. Turned out there was a swim meet over the weekend forcing the swim team to use a different pool. My now Thursday night swim became a casualty of schedule conflicts. On Wednesday I struggled mentally to get out the door for my track run but finally convinced myself to just get it done. Run 15 minutes to track only to find out there is a lacrosse game meaning no track workout for me.

I struggled mentally all week to not throw in the towel and blow an entire week of training. I turned Wednesday's failed track run into a speedy 6 mile loop full of hills that reminded me why I love running. Instead of bagging my swim on Thursday I swam with the team, making me question why I ever quit in the first place. It wasn't the easiest of weeks but I had made some smart decisions that in the past I probably would not have. I had turned things around and was ready to take on my longest and probably hardest workout of the training cycle.

When I woke up on Friday morning I was not motivated to do this run. I had slept in to catch up on sleep and wasn't liking the idea of most of the day being over by the time I'd be done running. I also had this itch to do that track workout from Wednesday. I debated switching my long run and track run but ultimately decided to do them as planned.

Pretty much from the beginning of the run I just felt bad. The first few miles weren't terrible but as soon as I was supposed to drop the pace I suddenly felt dizzy, tired, empty. I tried and tried but only went slower. Then I had a breakdown. I felt like a failure for not being able to push through and get it done. Truth be told I think I was more mentally tired than physically. I was tired from spending all week having internal arguments with myself. Tired from stressing out about the silliest of things. During Friday's run when things didn't go as planned I couldn't get myself to mentally push through.

On Saturday my boyfriend and I went to a local park to get in some mountain biking and trail running. For the first time in weeks I ran without looking at my watch. I wasn't even going to wear it but only did so I could make sure I didn't run too far. I ran on those trails not caring how fast or slow I was going. I walked when I wanted and just enjoyed being outside.

I love training and in general function better when I am training for something but lately I've been putting too focus on the numbers side of it. I love going to the track and doing challenging workouts and seeing how far I can push myself but I need to balance that with runs where pace doesn't matter. If I run fast, great. If not, I'll enjoy just being out there. My constant need for perfection and control has been haunting me too long.