I'm Only Human

The past few weeks have been hard for me. I think I tried so hard to be strong and positive that I forgot to grieve. I'm normally a very emotional person so it was weird that I felt so put together. I'm going to come out right now and say that everybody grieves differently and you can't judge someone by how they are grieving.

My dad and I used to watch Pirates baseball games together all summer long and now that the season has started I'm feeling this loss significantly more. The Pirates won their opening day game with a walkoff and I had to stop myself from typing in his email address and sending him and email about it. It is so unbelievably hard when something happens and the person you want to run and tell isn't there. It digs a void in your life that only seems to grow deeper.

About a week and a half ago my boyfriend of five years and I broke up. It was a long time coming but it doesn't mean it hurts any less. Once again I tried so hard to act put together and not be upset about it when in reality I was crushed. I still am crushed. I knew it was time for things to end but he was my best friend and it's honestly really hard to imagine my life without him.

As I was driving home the other night I heard the song "Human" and that's when it hit me. I don't care if you don't like when I cry or that I get emotional. It's not healthy to suppress emotions and try to pretend that everything is okay. I have spent the past four months trying to figure out what my life means without my dad in it and how to figure out what normal is anymore. I want to life a happy life and be optimistic but at the same time it feels like I am moving on without him.

Losing someone you love so much is a really freaking hard thing to do. Whether they are literally gone or you broke up, it's a bitch and it hurts. But it's okay that it hurts. It's supposed to hurt. I actually think by letting myself hurt and be upset I end up feeling better.

Over the past few weeks my training has been less than ideal and its been starting to weigh on me and stress me out. It's been either raining or too windy to get outside for a bike ride and I've been worrying about whether or not I'll be ready for the Columbia Triathlon in six weeks. I've skipped a few workouts in favor of going out with friends for drinks and dessert. But you know what, that's okay.

I love training and have some really big goals for this year. I'm looking forward to the summer when the weather is nicer and I can ride my bike all over Pennsylvania. But being with friends and people I love is equally if not more important. I have been having so much fun these past few weeks that I've stopped worrying about training and have relaxed. I'm not perfect and that's okay.