A little more than a week ago my dad died of a heart attack. He was perfectly healthy. He ran a 5K on Thanksgiving. He was completely fine, until his heart stopped beating.
December 1 I lost my best friend. My dad was my rock, my support system. He was my biggest cheerleader in everything I did.
Right now it's impossible to think of how I am supposed to move on with life. My dad was an incredibly optimistic person and I know he wouldn't want me moping around. I want to be happy and remember all the fun times we had. At the same time, I feel guilty for being happy and going about my daily life like somehow it means I loved him less.
Right now I feel confused and numb. I don't think it has quite set in yet. Every single time the door opens I expect him to walk in from doing yard work or taking the dog for a walk.
Saying goodbye is too hard so I'm not going to say goodbye. Everywhere I look I see signs of my dad. I don't know why this happened and there is nothing I can do to make it better.
I don't know what to say when people ask how I'm doing. I'm certainly not good but I want to channel some of my dad's optimism. Life is wonderful and should be cherished.
I don't really know what to say even now.
I'm so sorry for your loss, and I can completely relate. My Mom also died of a heart attack 13 yrs ago, while I was pregnant with my first child. It is possible to be happy again, to be joyful, but there are still many times of sadness. I still have dreams occasionally that it all really didn't happen, she is here with me. I'll be honest with you, there are still some really rough days. And they sneak up on you when you least expect them. Doing everyday things with me kids can lead to sobbing. Not often, but it still happens. Take time to grieve, accept help from others. Sometimes all they have to do is listen while you talk about him. It can be very comforting. Take care of yourself. You will get through this.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Nicole. I'm sorry about your mother. This whole week has felt like a terrible dream that I'm going to wake up from. There are so many things I want to tell him and then remember that I can't. It helps to hear from someone who has gone through this them-self. It makes it easier to believe that it will get better with time
DeleteMy heart breaks for you. I'm so sorry.
ReplyDeleteThank you Amy
DeleteI am so, so sorry. I cannot even imagine the pain you are in right now. Take care.
ReplyDeleteThanks Victoria
DeleteI am so, so, so sorry to hear of your loss, Shannon! You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. *Hugs*
ReplyDeleteThanks Jessica. It really means a lot
DeleteI know I have said this to you a million times already, but I am here if you need someone to talk to. I can't understand what you are going through, fact I can't even begin to try. But I can be there if you need me to. You are a strong person and your dad raised a fabulous young lady. He will ALWAYS be your biggest cheerleader- but now he gets to watch over you all the time and not just at the start/finish lines.
ReplyDeleteYou always leave the best comments. Reading this brought me to tears. I can't imagine going to races without him but when I think about not racing I can hear him saying "what are you doing?!?!" You are an amazing friend and just offering your support has helped a ton
DeleteShannon, I am so sorry to hear this news. If you need anything from DC or a cheerleader, never hesitate to ask. I am sure this is an incredibly tough time but you will make it through. Thinking of you...
ReplyDeleteI can't even imagine what you're going through, Shannon. Life is such a cruel and unbelievable rollercoaster sometimes. Keep your chin up as much as possible - it sounds like that's what your dad would have wanted.
ReplyDeleteThis breaks my heart. I'm so very sorry for your loss, Shannon. Sending love + light to you and your entire family. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteOh Shannon, I don't know how I missed this post. I am so sorry to hear this. I lost my mom 4 years ago and while I didn't like the idea of moping around because I knew my mom wouldn't like to see me like that I went on for my daughter who was 9 months at the time. I still have my times where I break down and there are times that are tough but I know my mom is watching and supporting me. There are so many things I have wanted her around for but I know she sees them. Hang in there, this with time does get easier. Hugs to you and your family.
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