Disordered Eating

If you've known me for some time you probably know that I have struggled with disordered eating habits since high school. I've never been diagnosed with an eating disorder and I am very aware that EDs are very serious. I know several girls who have/had diagnosed eating disorders and I by no means am trying to group myself with those who have truly suffered. What I am saying is that my eating habits for quite some time now have not been normal and I want to do something about it. Something needs to be done about it.

When I was in high school I went from being underweight (I got tall but didn't put on any weight- normal growing problems) to gaining close to 10 pounds in a few months. I was on the young side in high school and this weight gain was completely normal for my age but I didn't handle it well. I was still pretty thin but seeing a higher number on the scale literally terrified me. At first I tried to starve myself to lose the weight that I had seemed to gain overnight. But when my weight didn't go down I started binge eating. I thought that I had no control over my weight and might as well eat a ton of food.

I should mention that I've always loved food. A lot. I remember once eating 11 pancakes for breakfast when I was 12 (?) like it was no big thing. I was a very hungry child but with the amount of swimming I did my weight was never an issue. And the majority of the foods I was eating were pretty healthy anyway. In high school I thought since I could eat a lot of food I thought I might as well should.

Long story long short, my eating habits have improved some but really not enough. I do not binge eat nearly as badly as I did in high school but I certainly eat too much. I've put on some weight since the fall that I am not okay with. I try to generally eat healthy (I don't eat any meat and minimal dairy) but when I come home from class I end up eating to the point that I feel well past full. Now this is not every day but it is enough that it is affecting other parts of my life.

The problem is I'm not really sure what to do. I've tried so many times to get out of this habit but it feels like the more I try the worse it gets. I am asking for help. I need to find a way to get through this in a healthy way.

I came across this article from Runner's World that I think does a really good job of explaining the differences from having an eating disorder and disordered eating as well as provide insight to the struggles that come along with disordered eating.

Have you ever struggled with disordered eating? How did you overcome it? Do you still struggle with it? Any advice?

On Learning to Love My Body

One of the goals I set for myself for this year is to learn to love my body and feel confident about myself. This is really a never-ending goal and something that we could all probably work on. I won't lie and say that the only things that bother me are my fingernails or something silly like that. As I'm writing this post though I can't really think of much about my body that bothers me. Yeah, of course I would love a flatter stomach, a smaller booty, and more toned legs. But honestly, there isn't really anything that I truly hate.

I have never had a real reason for having such low self esteem. I just always feel like I am not good enough. For awhile I hated my red hair growing up because I didn't know anyone else with red hair. In high school I considered dyeing it a dark brown. But when I told people my plan I received no support. I was told over & over that I had beautiful hair that people pay hundreds of dollars for at salons.

I am not trying to convince you all that I have great hair because it still drives me crazy. It is unbelievably thick which causes it to be very unruly. I can't cut it too short or grow it too long or else it turns into an animal. Recently I got my haircut and it was shorter than what I am used to. I was so panicked that I was going to have an afro of red hair and look like Carrot Top that I was considering getting it professionally straightened.

After a few hours I calmed down though. I started getting scared about not having my usual curly, crazy hair. I realized that my hair is one of the things that makes me stand out from others. It is a part of who I am and despite how annoying it can be, it is something that I don't want to change.

The moral of this long, random post is to listen when others compliment you. You really are beautiful and strong and smart and it is so much easier for others to see it. Most of us are very humble and don't take compliments very well but I am telling you to start listening to others and realize just how fabulous you are.

2012 Goals

I hate making New Year's resolutions. I am one of those people who never follows through with them. Instead, I find setting specific goals to be more successful. I also do a better job of setting goals for myself each month than just at the beginning of the year. With that being said, I do have a few goals that I am setting for myself now.

Train for and race a triathlon or two. Or three. 2011 was a year of figuring out what I wanted to do sport-wise now that I am done swimming competitively. I ran a half marathon in October and plan to keep running but 2012 is going to be the year of the triathlon for me. But not only do I want to start doing triathlons, I want to start training for them. And I want to train smartly. I want to go into the tri season feeling confident and ready to race.

Break two hours in the half marathon distance. I ran my first half marathon with little training and finished in 2:23:03. I am confident that with proper training and some long runs I can break two hours. I know that would mean a 23 minute PR but I barely trained for Baltimore and my speed has really been improving lately.

Complete a bike race/ride. My boyfriend is a biker. Last year he did his first century ride, which I volunteered at. I was really inspired watching so many people out there biking 100 miles. It is pretty safe to say I will not be biking 100 miles this year, but a 50 miler or metric century (63.5) ride is definitely on my radar.

Spend less time watching TV and on the computer. Ever since I started blogging back in the spring I have spent so much more time on the computer. Don't get me wrong, I love blogging and being a part of such an amazing community. But lately I have spending too much unnecessary time on the computer that would be much better spent doing something productive.

Learn to love my body and feel confident about myself. I have always struggled with having low self-esteem and I am sick of it. When I am training for a race I feel unstoppable and I want to transfer that feeling to every day. I know this is something that will take longer than one year to complete but I think now is the perfect time to start.

Get back to eating healthy. I have been really neglecting this part of my life. I used to be so good about eating healthy wholesome foods but lately I haven't been the best. I'm not going to lie here, having a boyfriend has made it pretty difficult to create healthy meals. But that should not be an excuse.

Do those things that absolutely terrify me but will be so worth it. Sometimes all it takes it twenty seconds of intense bravery to do something amazing. I hate missing out on things because I am scared of failure. I want to look back and be so proud of the courage I had.

Be a better friend and girlfriend. I have been dating my boyfriend for two and half years now so sometimes things can become routine. We rarely fight and I want to keep it that way. Sometimes I can be unsupportive, jealous, and controlling. These are all things that I really want to eliminate to continue my relationship with the most amazing person I have ever met.

What's Up, December?!

Happy first of December everyone! I can't wait to get into the full swing of all of the Christmas festivities. Last month I made it my goal to eat more fruits and veggies and I have to say I was pretty successful!

Going into December, and more importantly, going into the end of the year I have some really great goals set for myself to end this year with a bang.

I mentioned a little while ago about my 25K Swim Challenge, which has ultimately turned into a December goal of mine. I have been really craving pool time lately so this is the goal I am the most excited about.

I am also kicking off the start to half marathon training for the Rock n' Roll USA Half Marathon in March. I really didn't follow a plan when training for Baltimore and it showed in my results. I am really excited to train a little more seriously for this race. I want to kick its ass!

My hardest yet most important goal for December is to work on my self esteem and confidence. I mentioned yesterday that I have always struggled with my image but I am ready to change that.

What are your goals for December and the end of 2011?

Like An Angel

I'm not going to lie here. I watched the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show last night. I did not watch to feel bad about myself and aspire to be a thin model. I watched the show because I am in awe of their confidence.

I normally am not a fan of the messages that models give but the Victoria's Secret models are not your ordinary models. Yes they are super thin and may promote an unhealthy body image. But they really work that runway.

One things in my life that I have always struggled with is confidence regarding my body image. Even when I weighed about twenty pounds less, I still thought I looked like a cow.

There were so many times when I absolutely hated my body and wanted to look like a model. Luckily, I am mostly over that. I say mostly because I still struggled with my weight.

Ideally, I would like to weigh about twenty pounds less, which would still put me a very healthy weight and nowhere near underweight.

After I quit swimming  and left for college I put on weight. I am not overweight now, but I am definitely more than what I would like to weigh.

I am not going to say that everyone should watch a fashion show for inspiration, but for me it works. It doesn't necessarily matter what the girls weigh, honestly. What matters is how they present themselves.

I would be scared shitless to go out on a runway in lingerie for the world to see. I know it is their jobs to do that, but they do so very gracefully.

They always look happy, confident, and in control. They look like they can take on the world. I want that confidence and I am going to work towards gaining that confidence.